He manages to pull a smile from her, even despite her own thoughts. It's true, of course. It wasn't like she hadn't noticed how even if he'd been crying a moment ago, he would always smile for her. It warmed her heart so much. How could she do anything less than return his smile?
"Well... He's older now," she points out, only for something to use as a distraction from how much that smiling little boy means to her. "He'll be a teenager when I see him again. Those are always more difficult."
It actually does worry her a little... but she's sure that they'll work it out somehow.
He meant a lot to her, he realizes. All the adoration that went her way and only just now does it hit that the reverse might apply. But that's just her, isn't it? She just does that to people, extends her kindness. Even to him.
"He's stubborn, I'll give you that," He says. He leans down upon the counter, beside where she works at the dishes. "But it won't be impossible. He does smile sometimes." Little moments. Short ones. Saving the day. Saying goodbye to a shinigami. Walking along with Inoue and Chad not fair behind. A girl cutting to the heart of him to remind Ichigo he still has one, mask or no.
It disquiets him. He can't smile for the same things Ichigo does. Every one of those brings some sense of feeling strangled.
"I'm not sure how I could prove it to you, but I can't think why you would have any problem."
He leans next to her as she works, and there's a sense of familiarity. It's comforting in a way, even with everything else on her mind. She looks over at him as he makes the effort to reassure her, and there's gratitude in her smile.
"You don't have to prove it to me. I believe you."
The question catches her off, but only enough to surprise her in turn. She pulls a smile and a small laugh a moment later.
"I don't think I'd put it like that. It's more that I don't have any reason not to trust you. Convincing me that I'll be able to make my son smile again... I can't imagine anything self-serving from that. You're just simply telling me what you believe. And I've decided that I'll believe it, too."
"I could be toying with you," He suggests, though it's far too casual to be serious. "Playing along just enough to gain your trust and turn the tables at some point down the line."
He's never in his life heard of a hollow playing a long game like that. He doesn't know if any could. He can't imagine going to the effort. But on the other hand, she can't imagine he's not self-serving and that too is a joke.
"But it's not that. It's that you need a reason not to trust, instead of a reason to trust in the first place." And that he has, at least, given a few reasons. He must have. These things just happen with him.
"I just believe in giving chances, if I can." She rinses the bowl in her hands and sets it aside. There's a towel nearby that she uses to dry her hands, turning as she does so to give him more of her attention.
"When you stopped, after we'd first met in that dream--" She laughs a little, at herself. "Yesterday, I guess?" it catches her by surprise that it's only been that long, but she continues regardless.
"There was a part of me that was scared to trust you. I thought all of those same things to myself--and I think that part of me is the same for everyone. When people warn us about this or that, we listen, whether we want to or not. And maybe those warnings are right sometimes, but sometimes they can make us see things that simply aren't there."
"When we start to imagine what could happen--when we take that as truth, we close the door on both the bad and the good. And I think we lose something important. If I had listened to those fears, I wouldn't be here right now, sharing dinner with you. I wouldn't have so much to look forward to. So... I think I made the right choice."
"Maybe. But I get the feeling that trusting nature of yours isn't something that just applies to me," He says, a little wry.
Sometimes, when she really gets going, he hears Ichigo in her. It's disarming, first because of the layer of irony that he finds Ichigo in her and not himself, then because he knows Ichigo would never turn that logic, that kind of speechifying he does, around on him. When it was the two of them, he spoke and Ichigo fought it tooth and nail. Where with everyone else he's an exception to a good nature, a hole that reveals it all a facade, with her, it's solid and true.
He's going to have to be more careful. For her sake, and his own. Her safety and whatever he has of the remains of his sanity.
But he feels the need to comment on something else she said. "Heh. A lot can happen in a day, huh? I know the feeling." He shakes his head. Usually, those long but fast days were filled with battles. This was an exception, but certainly no less... gargantuan in what he'd fell into here.
She can't deny that he's right on one count. It's not just him. She would have extended that same philosophy to anyone that she met, if she could. But at the same time, he's wrong. A lot of it also has to do with who he is. How she can't look at him without in some part seeing his relation to her son.
That likeness is what gave her the courage to overcome those fears.
She smiles wanly at him, then tosses the drying towel at him. "I think I've already heard enough about your hectic lives. I'm not sure that I want to know more." One heart attack per day. That's probably a rule that she should lay down sooner rather than later.
The towel is caught, of course, and he's snickering all the while at her words, his grin grown wider. So much fuss! clearly they were both still alive, and therefore, everything was and remains fine.
Not to mention- "It's only hectic sometimes," He protests. "Other times it's downright dull. Especially living in his head. Even school lectures can sound interesting after that."
He certainly paid more attention to such things than Ichigo did, for as much as he was able to.
He might think it's funny, but it's not quite as much for her. Ichigo is her son. She can't help but worry about him. But she's doesn't let it put too much of a damper on their conversation.
Instead, she catches the talk about school, and her expression turns a little wistful. "How is his school? Other than boring, obviously." She smiles a little wryly at him, like she can understand the sentiment.
"It's okay," He says, which, truthfully, coming from him, is probably high praise. "A short fuse and orange hair means every teacher's gotta be on our-- on his case, but if you study hard enough and get good grades you can get most of them off your back. Things were fine until--"
He stops, expression hardening for just a moment, before he continues. He shrugs it off.
"Things are fine. Been doing clubs on the side since hunting hollows on the side stopped being an option. Whoever's willing to drop the extra cash to convince. Anyone that tries to start shit gets their ass kicked even harder than before. English is still the favorite subject. Sometimes the class would read out the plays and I could just listen in."
There's that moment where she catches his slip. It's difficult not to notice, even as he shrugs it off like it's nothing. Things were fine until-- Until what?
Everything else sounds... Well, not ideal, but not terrible, either. Clubs are good--even though the mention of being paid to join is a little weird. The trouble that his hair and his temper cause is worrying, but at least he's getting good grades.
She wonders if she should ask. He got so upset when she pried earlier. She doesn't want a repeat of that. But she also can't help being just a little curious. It's her son... She would want to know if something was wrong.
"...What were you about to say?" she ventures, though cautiously. "Until what?"
His frown deepens but he's not going to try pushing past it a second time. It would just waste their time. And it's fine. It's not as big a deal that he can't just say it. It's fine.
His arms fold over his chest, pulled close, and he breathes deep, in and out.
"He lost his power. I was gone, just a part of him again." He's mentioned this before, he's sure, even if only in passing. "You'd think that always running off and fighting hollows would be when the grades would suffer, but no. Since then, he's just been distracted. Like he's only half there and wishes he wasn't. He keeps trying to pretend it's fine with everyone else but I don't get to leave. It's suffocating. He's a zombie. We can't keep living like that." He suppresses a shudder. He just keeps his arms folded.
"Before all that, before me, it didn't matter. Didn't know what was missing. You don't get sad you can't fly if you've never had wings. Not in any real, lasting sense anyway."
It hurts to hear all of that. He's mentioned before about Ichigo losing him, but not quite like this. Not to this extent.
In some small way, she can understand. Having lost her powers, it feels like some vital part of her is missing. Like a door has been closed on all of the things that she could do before. All of the ways that she could protect others. If it weren't for the hope in wishing those powers back, she might be more despondent over their loss.
But it still hurts to hear her son going through that same pain. It hruts to see it reflected on Zangetsu, the way that he folds his arms over his chest, like he's trying to protect something vital. Trying to protect himself.
"Well... Don't worry. We'll get you back to him," she tells him, reaching one hand out to touch his arm, like she can drain the tension from him just with that. "We'll get things back to normal. Better than normal."
Ichigo wasn't supposed to be able to get his power back. That's what final Getsuga means. But he'd told him, back in that coffee shop, that there had to be a way. The truth was, he said that because he needed there to be. They both needed it like breath. He didn't have a plan outside trying.
He was stripped down. He was powerless. He was out of the loop. He was disconnected and the shinigami didn't even try to fix that, not once. He was protected because he was weak and he could do nothing for anyone else. All those revelations are still fresh.
He'd thought he'd been drowning before, in that washed out world looking like Karakura. He is never going to shake that rain-wrought cold from his bones.
But she tries, with a touch that rouses him from that, lightly startling him. And he grins and all that nonsense is forgotten. "Of course we will. I already told you; that's the plan." He tilts his head back and laughs. "He's going to lose it when he sees you. I can't wait. I hope I get to see his face when he finds out you were with me but if not you're going to have remember it for me."
He talks so easily of going back to being a passenger in Ichigo's life. It's a little disquieting when he drops something like that so casually into conversation, like it's no big deal not to have a body of his own.
But at the same time, he seems genuinely pleased with that end result, so she doesn't question it. Instead, she shakes her head a little at him. "You say that like I'm not going to be just as distracted."
He talks about how happy Ichigo's going to be to see her again, but she really doesn't know what she'll do when she comes to face her son. The thought is both thrilling and terrifying, an overwhelming combination.
It was a bigger deal once. He's come to terms with it. If he doesn't accept it as normal then how is he ever, possibly, going to be able to settle back? He can only resent so much and he thinks he's done no small amount of that.
"Hah! Maybe so, but for you it's only been--" He pauses, thinks. "What? Two days? Three?" Not like the years that they've all had.
"It'll probably be a bit longer than that by the time you meet everyone, but still. I could almost be jealous." He regrets those last words the moment they're out. He doesn't want to think about that. Quickly, he moves along. "It'd be nice if there was some way I could show you. You could get a better idea of what you're dealing with before you actually see him, and everyone. But all I've got are stories and descriptions. If you ever decided you wanted that..."
He does have a point. It's only been a few days so far, but she thinks that maybe he underestimates how much everything will be different for her. She still struggles to picture her son as he would be if they met, even with Zangetsu standing right next to her. Isshin is likely much the same--but her daughters are a complete mystery to her.
He offers to tell her stories, and there's a brief look of surprise before she smiles a bit wider. "I'd like that, actually." A small laugh follows, as she adds: "Just, maybe... a little bit at a time. I don't think my heart could handle hearing all of your misadventures at once."
But then her voice goes a little softer, a little more sentimental. "But even things that seem mundane or ordinary... I'd like to hear those, too."
It will be different. But things will be the same too. For every little bit that brings the family to falter, he can just as easily see the hundreds of ways they'll fall right into rhythm. The ache of it is unbelievable. It hurts so much to think about.
His smile doesn't fade.
"Heh, sure. Most of those stories are just me being pissed off at Ichigo anyway," He says laughing.
He looks down, and softer himself, he says, "Ichigo's the only one who never puts on a yukata for the summer festival. Karin lets the tough girl act drop a little, when she's not scolding Dad and Yuzu's not scolding her for it. They always get candied sweets. Though when we were fifteen, they'd only eat maybe half. The other half would end up on Ichigo's shirt when he was carrying them both home on his back. They'd sleep pretty soundly, even when he had to kick Dad away. Ichigo would see friends from school there, but usually we'd stay together as a family, even an embarrassing one. The fireworks would light up the river on the way home, until we couldn't hear them anymore."
Maybe it's strange, but if anyone were to notice the mundane things, he thinks, it would be him.
She doesn't expect for him to start telling her things right there. It catches her by surprise for only a second or two before she settles against the counter to listen. He paints her a picture of her family that she would have never known about. Enjoying the festival together, heading home together... She closes her eyes and she can almost see the splash of light across the river, four figures slowly making their way home--two walking and two being carried.
She wishes she could have been there. There's a tightness in her throat, and her eyes water but don't quite leak. She bows her head, turning her face away a little like she can hide it from him. She keeps smiling regardless.
"It sounds lovely... I'm glad, hearing how close they've stuck together. I'm really... really glad." Even if they don't have her, they have each other. And she knows they'll be okay.
He doesn't expect the tears. He almost misses them, lost in thought, staring through the floor at a life long passed.
That festival, it was one of the last times he called himself human. Called himself by another name. One last dream before waking up.
But he can't miss that, even tears that don't fall. He hears the catch in her voice and he stiffens, watching her braced like she's going to make him hurt. She does.
Maybe this was a mistake. But he already offered. There was and shall eventually be harder things. "Yeah," He says, and tries to keep it from sounding any sort sarcastic or bitter. Instead it seems empty. "Sure. Just don't cry on me, okay?"
She laughs a little, rubbing at her eyes now that he's already caught her. "Sorry. I'm not trying to. It just sort of happens..." She's always been a crier. Movies, bookies--even just a touching story told to her in passing. Isshin would tease her for being so emotional, but she knows he loves that part of her. And she can't really help herself.
"But I'm fine! I'm not sad. Just... I can't wait to see them again. That's all." At least, that's what she's going to tell herself and everyone around her.
Well, he thinks, he guesses he knows where Ichigo got it from now. (And not him or anything, not at all.)
He can also spot the lie when he hears it, even the half lie that it is. He doesn't call it out.
He puts his hands up. "If you say so! I'll believe it's just you looking forward to it, but if it's going to be like this every time then you're going to have to keep tissues ready!"
"I'll have a pack on hand," she promises with a laugh. "If wishes come true here, I'll wish for an endless supply of tissues. Then I'll be set forever." Maybe. If anyone could exhaust an endless supply of tissues, then it'll probably be her.
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ninetydegrees
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on 2018-04-17 02:42 am (UTC)"Well... He's older now," she points out, only for something to use as a distraction from how much that smiling little boy means to her. "He'll be a teenager when I see him again. Those are always more difficult."
It actually does worry her a little... but she's sure that they'll work it out somehow.
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on 2018-04-17 08:15 am (UTC)"He's stubborn, I'll give you that," He says. He leans down upon the counter, beside where she works at the dishes. "But it won't be impossible. He does smile sometimes." Little moments. Short ones. Saving the day. Saying goodbye to a shinigami. Walking along with Inoue and Chad not fair behind. A girl cutting to the heart of him to remind Ichigo he still has one, mask or no.
It disquiets him. He can't smile for the same things Ichigo does. Every one of those brings some sense of feeling strangled.
"I'm not sure how I could prove it to you, but I can't think why you would have any problem."
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on 2018-04-17 10:14 pm (UTC)"You don't have to prove it to me. I believe you."
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on 2018-04-17 10:26 pm (UTC)He looks away from her, like it's too much for him. It is, a bit.
"Kind of a wonder in itself, all things considered," He says. "Do you usually trust this easily?"
He can't remember any particular instance from youth. In retrospect, they were always the odd family out.
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on 2018-04-17 10:36 pm (UTC)"I don't think I'd put it like that. It's more that I don't have any reason not to trust you. Convincing me that I'll be able to make my son smile again... I can't imagine anything self-serving from that. You're just simply telling me what you believe. And I've decided that I'll believe it, too."
no subject
on 2018-04-17 10:52 pm (UTC)He's never in his life heard of a hollow playing a long game like that. He doesn't know if any could. He can't imagine going to the effort. But on the other hand, she can't imagine he's not self-serving and that too is a joke.
"But it's not that. It's that you need a reason not to trust, instead of a reason to trust in the first place." And that he has, at least, given a few reasons. He must have. These things just happen with him.
He shrugs then. "I don't know. It's different."
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on 2018-04-17 11:49 pm (UTC)"When you stopped, after we'd first met in that dream--" She laughs a little, at herself. "Yesterday, I guess?" it catches her by surprise that it's only been that long, but she continues regardless.
"There was a part of me that was scared to trust you. I thought all of those same things to myself--and I think that part of me is the same for everyone. When people warn us about this or that, we listen, whether we want to or not. And maybe those warnings are right sometimes, but sometimes they can make us see things that simply aren't there."
"When we start to imagine what could happen--when we take that as truth, we close the door on both the bad and the good. And I think we lose something important. If I had listened to those fears, I wouldn't be here right now, sharing dinner with you. I wouldn't have so much to look forward to. So... I think I made the right choice."
no subject
on 2018-04-18 08:31 am (UTC)Sometimes, when she really gets going, he hears Ichigo in her. It's disarming, first because of the layer of irony that he finds Ichigo in her and not himself, then because he knows Ichigo would never turn that logic, that kind of speechifying he does, around on him. When it was the two of them, he spoke and Ichigo fought it tooth and nail. Where with everyone else he's an exception to a good nature, a hole that reveals it all a facade, with her, it's solid and true.
He's going to have to be more careful. For her sake, and his own. Her safety and whatever he has of the remains of his sanity.
But he feels the need to comment on something else she said. "Heh. A lot can happen in a day, huh? I know the feeling." He shakes his head. Usually, those long but fast days were filled with battles. This was an exception, but certainly no less... gargantuan in what he'd fell into here.
no subject
on 2018-04-19 12:45 am (UTC)That likeness is what gave her the courage to overcome those fears.
She smiles wanly at him, then tosses the drying towel at him. "I think I've already heard enough about your hectic lives. I'm not sure that I want to know more." One heart attack per day. That's probably a rule that she should lay down sooner rather than later.
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on 2018-04-19 12:57 am (UTC)Not to mention- "It's only hectic sometimes," He protests. "Other times it's downright dull. Especially living in his head. Even school lectures can sound interesting after that."
He certainly paid more attention to such things than Ichigo did, for as much as he was able to.
The towel gets folded and tucked back away.
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on 2018-04-20 12:50 am (UTC)Instead, she catches the talk about school, and her expression turns a little wistful. "How is his school? Other than boring, obviously." She smiles a little wryly at him, like she can understand the sentiment.
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on 2018-04-20 01:24 am (UTC)He stops, expression hardening for just a moment, before he continues. He shrugs it off.
"Things are fine. Been doing clubs on the side since hunting hollows on the side stopped being an option. Whoever's willing to drop the extra cash to convince. Anyone that tries to start shit gets their ass kicked even harder than before. English is still the favorite subject. Sometimes the class would read out the plays and I could just listen in."
no subject
on 2018-04-20 01:53 am (UTC)Everything else sounds... Well, not ideal, but not terrible, either. Clubs are good--even though the mention of being paid to join is a little weird. The trouble that his hair and his temper cause is worrying, but at least he's getting good grades.
She wonders if she should ask. He got so upset when she pried earlier. She doesn't want a repeat of that. But she also can't help being just a little curious. It's her son... She would want to know if something was wrong.
"...What were you about to say?" she ventures, though cautiously. "Until what?"
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on 2018-04-20 02:07 am (UTC)His arms fold over his chest, pulled close, and he breathes deep, in and out.
"He lost his power. I was gone, just a part of him again." He's mentioned this before, he's sure, even if only in passing. "You'd think that always running off and fighting hollows would be when the grades would suffer, but no. Since then, he's just been distracted. Like he's only half there and wishes he wasn't. He keeps trying to pretend it's fine with everyone else but I don't get to leave. It's suffocating. He's a zombie. We can't keep living like that." He suppresses a shudder. He just keeps his arms folded.
"Before all that, before me, it didn't matter. Didn't know what was missing. You don't get sad you can't fly if you've never had wings. Not in any real, lasting sense anyway."
no subject
on 2018-04-20 02:20 am (UTC)In some small way, she can understand. Having lost her powers, it feels like some vital part of her is missing. Like a door has been closed on all of the things that she could do before. All of the ways that she could protect others. If it weren't for the hope in wishing those powers back, she might be more despondent over their loss.
But it still hurts to hear her son going through that same pain. It hruts to see it reflected on Zangetsu, the way that he folds his arms over his chest, like he's trying to protect something vital. Trying to protect himself.
"Well... Don't worry. We'll get you back to him," she tells him, reaching one hand out to touch his arm, like she can drain the tension from him just with that. "We'll get things back to normal. Better than normal."
no subject
on 2018-04-20 02:39 am (UTC)He was stripped down. He was powerless. He was out of the loop. He was disconnected and the shinigami didn't even try to fix that, not once. He was protected because he was weak and he could do nothing for anyone else. All those revelations are still fresh.
He'd thought he'd been drowning before, in that washed out world looking like Karakura. He is never going to shake that rain-wrought cold from his bones.
But she tries, with a touch that rouses him from that, lightly startling him. And he grins and all that nonsense is forgotten. "Of course we will. I already told you; that's the plan." He tilts his head back and laughs. "He's going to lose it when he sees you. I can't wait. I hope I get to see his face when he finds out you were with me but if not you're going to have remember it for me."
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on 2018-04-20 08:55 pm (UTC)But at the same time, he seems genuinely pleased with that end result, so she doesn't question it. Instead, she shakes her head a little at him. "You say that like I'm not going to be just as distracted."
He talks about how happy Ichigo's going to be to see her again, but she really doesn't know what she'll do when she comes to face her son. The thought is both thrilling and terrifying, an overwhelming combination.
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on 2018-04-20 09:42 pm (UTC)"Hah! Maybe so, but for you it's only been--" He pauses, thinks. "What? Two days? Three?" Not like the years that they've all had.
"It'll probably be a bit longer than that by the time you meet everyone, but still. I could almost be jealous." He regrets those last words the moment they're out. He doesn't want to think about that. Quickly, he moves along. "It'd be nice if there was some way I could show you. You could get a better idea of what you're dealing with before you actually see him, and everyone. But all I've got are stories and descriptions. If you ever decided you wanted that..."
no subject
on 2018-04-20 11:03 pm (UTC)He offers to tell her stories, and there's a brief look of surprise before she smiles a bit wider. "I'd like that, actually." A small laugh follows, as she adds: "Just, maybe... a little bit at a time. I don't think my heart could handle hearing all of your misadventures at once."
But then her voice goes a little softer, a little more sentimental. "But even things that seem mundane or ordinary... I'd like to hear those, too."
no subject
on 2018-04-20 11:23 pm (UTC)His smile doesn't fade.
"Heh, sure. Most of those stories are just me being pissed off at Ichigo anyway," He says laughing.
He looks down, and softer himself, he says, "Ichigo's the only one who never puts on a yukata for the summer festival. Karin lets the tough girl act drop a little, when she's not scolding Dad and Yuzu's not scolding her for it. They always get candied sweets. Though when we were fifteen, they'd only eat maybe half. The other half would end up on Ichigo's shirt when he was carrying them both home on his back. They'd sleep pretty soundly, even when he had to kick Dad away. Ichigo would see friends from school there, but usually we'd stay together as a family, even an embarrassing one. The fireworks would light up the river on the way home, until we couldn't hear them anymore."
Maybe it's strange, but if anyone were to notice the mundane things, he thinks, it would be him.
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on 2018-04-22 10:21 pm (UTC)She wishes she could have been there. There's a tightness in her throat, and her eyes water but don't quite leak. She bows her head, turning her face away a little like she can hide it from him. She keeps smiling regardless.
"It sounds lovely... I'm glad, hearing how close they've stuck together. I'm really... really glad." Even if they don't have her, they have each other. And she knows they'll be okay.
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on 2018-04-22 10:45 pm (UTC)That festival, it was one of the last times he called himself human. Called himself by another name. One last dream before waking up.
But he can't miss that, even tears that don't fall. He hears the catch in her voice and he stiffens, watching her braced like she's going to make him hurt. She does.
Maybe this was a mistake. But he already offered. There was and shall eventually be harder things. "Yeah," He says, and tries to keep it from sounding any sort sarcastic or bitter. Instead it seems empty. "Sure. Just don't cry on me, okay?"
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on 2018-04-25 01:30 am (UTC)"But I'm fine! I'm not sad. Just... I can't wait to see them again. That's all." At least, that's what she's going to tell herself and everyone around her.
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on 2018-04-25 12:22 pm (UTC)He can also spot the lie when he hears it, even the half lie that it is. He doesn't call it out.
He puts his hands up. "If you say so! I'll believe it's just you looking forward to it, but if it's going to be like this every time then you're going to have to keep tissues ready!"
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on 2018-04-27 12:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
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